The far-reaching effects of depression

Hello, dear readers! Things are slowing down here at school but picking up in my personal life. As we enter the last month of the school year, I have some time to reflect on how things went this year and use those reflections to guide my smattering of lesson plans. However, when I’m trying to plan, I find that I have an elephant in the room. Well, more of a donkey, really. A grumpy, mopey donkey named Eeyore.

Without going into too many specifics, I am someone who has suffered from various levels of depression and anxiety throughout my life. Over the years, I’ve come up with various strategies to help me cope. But this past fall, my strategies were no longer working. I was a frazzled, grouchy mess. I cried nearly every day over things that I knew were absolutely ridiculous – and a whole bunch of other things that weren’t ridiculous, but was an overreaction to the situation. And it also affected my teaching. Yeah, I was that teacher. The one who is on auto-pilot, who was in survival mode, putting together very mediocre lessons just to get through the day. I don’t feel any guilt – it’s what I needed to do to get through.

In December, I finally went to the doctor and got back on track. I’m feeling like my old self again – better, really – but now that I can look back and peer into the dark hole that was the fall semester… I am finding myself in a bit of trouble. I have three related problems: number one, there were some units that really should’ve been overhauled or found themselves in the chuck it bucket. (I also still feel like I try to teach too much vocabulary at once.) Number two, I did a horrendous job of getting my repetitions in, so my students have a huge gap in their vocabularies. Number three, I was all over the place in terms of what I asked students to do rather than using best practices so the stuff they did pick up is not quite the quality I would like.

Let’s not even talk about AP Spanish. AP Spanish’s class structure is getting a complete renovation next year. They did everything I asked;  the lack of awesome is all on me.

So I guess the question is… uh, now what? I can do a little damage control in the remaining days, but that doesn’t make up for weeks of survival teaching. It’s already frustrating enough to limit vocabulary. I just want my students to know all the Spanishes already! So now I have to control it even more until I can somehow squeeze our lost words back into the curriculum. I have this terrible habit where it is very input/story based in first semester and not so much the second. Guess when they make the most gains in proficiency. I’ve got myself trapped in a double-whammy of having better plans in the fall, though I taught them in a not-so-awesome manner, and having better teaching in the spring with more mediocre planning.

I’m not going to let it get me down. These ups and downs are part of the normal teaching flow. I’ll figure it out next year. It’s just something for me to think about.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “The far-reaching effects of depression

  1. I feel the SAME way about AP, but it’s our first year teaching it. I feel bad for the students, but sometimes you have to muddle through a year of the class before you can say, “OKAY! THIS is what I want from them… THIS works, and WHAT was I thinking there?”

  2. Pingback: September, checking in | Making Good Mistakes

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